could you read the beginning of this story, and rate it please
l just wanna know what you think. I am 13 and like writing, but never get
honest opinions from family or friends. Here it is: 3.00am.
Mist crept slowly and threateningly through the half open window, and into
the dark room. The curtains rippled from an icy breeze, which seemed to
disturb the whole room. The elderly woman, Henrietta, turned restlessly in
her sleep, the floor boards creaked uncertainly, and a dead silence
suddenly settled itself in the frail house. Her arms unconsciously groped for her absent husband, finding nothing but a feather pillow. She was completely unaware when the cold hollow footsteps began to advance up the stairs. They reached the landing and approached the room. Silently the door opened from a push, given by a thin, scabby hand. Henrietta was still sleeping. But her life was already over… A pink glow rested over the houses of green crescent. Calm silence brought peace to the troubled minds that thought tirelessly of Henrietta’s death. Two twenty year old women, Sophie and Hayley - roommates that lived just down the street were sitting at the wooden table in Henrietta’s house, sipping coffee. Police and investigators milled around, bringing an important yet sad atmosphere to the room. Hayley glanced nervously at her friend. She could not remove the blanket of guilt that knew this was all partly her fault. Sophie realised Hayley is anxiety and sighed, putting down her coffee mug. With a sympathetic look, she said: That is as far as i've got. Thanks x x
Quite lovely. Very good descriptions, however, there is a
little bit of a plot jump that really doesn't make sense. Also, some
adjectives could be removed. Although they convey images to the reader,
sometimes too much can be a turn off. Read it aloud to yourself & see what
kind of images are unnecessary. Also, you may want to think about how you
word things. Subject verb can get really old after a while, Try to change
it up a little bit sometimes, & vary sentence length. Short sentences convey sudden changes in mood, long sentences describe & allow the reader to connect on a more personal level with ur characters. However both are necessary for a good story. Very Impressive. I wish you the best of luck with this story & any others you may choose to write in the future!
Do some pruning.just the window, rather than what you have.
then skip to
The elderly woman, henrietta could be:
Henrietta, now feeble with age, but young once, the picture on the dresser
affirmed that, turned restlessly in her bed, unconsciously seeking the
solace of her deceased husband is arms. She flailed weakly at the feather pillow but slid deeper into sleep, so tired, so tired.. The hollow footsteps on the stairs did not reach her ears, wouldn't matter anyway, she feared nothing now. Slowly the door opened, the aged wood creaked, the hand that pushed the door handle was stiff with age, skin graying, the arm encased in worn calico..IF you need all that detail. Ask ur self these questions WHO are the important people in this scene WHAT are they doing? Is Henrietta being murdered or did she die of old age? She appears to have died of old age. Natural death. WHY are they there? The police, the neighbors, the ambulance people taking Henrietta away, the dogs, cats the plants Show me the kitchen. WHEN are they there. you answed that. are the two neighbors from hospice? WHERE are they, small town, big city, country house, Place is very important. old house, old apartment in a city, a condo, a cottage.. HOW are they doing things, awkwardly, with dull routine, tell me, show me.
WOW! Thats AWESOME!!!!!!! I love how you said, 'Henrietta was
still sleeping but her life was already over' ill buy it when its
published. That would be my fave book, no lies!!! writing is so ur gift!!!
i love it 2.
Paragraphing. Extreme paragraphing problems.
It is like you're narrating from the sidelines instead of
within the story.
In other words, you are TELLING and not SHOWING.
Cut out unnecessary descriptions. Do we really need to know that the two
women are twenty years old? What significance does that have on the story?
It reads quite well. The style is a bit too dramatic and some
of the details are misleading or not adequate for the story and not really
leading to the basic theme. I would break the sentences a little more to
make the story flow better. Also start new paragraphs, when the story
jumps.
Overall you show some good talent.
i recon you have a lot of talent there. very gripping
i also love writing stories & do english language a level
on a critical note (and this is just to help you) the sentance structure
in certain areas could be better. just to make it flow better you know?
also dont be in a rush to get everything down. build the tension up. itll have a greater effect in the end :) i just felt that what you had was good but with a bit of extra attention, it could be amazing. i feltit was a little rushed good luck
Hey, for 13 your a great writer.
But I'v noticed in a lot of young writers they really try to use ''big''
fancy words to make the story sound more proffesional and/or real and what
not. But try not to use them so often.And you dont need to spend to much
time describing scenery, it is usually what people do to fill space.
Good Luck!
If you are actually 13, then I think this is pretty good for
your age, you use a little too many adjectives.but that will come in time.
I'd say that in a few years you'd be pretty good. On a scale of 1-10 I'd
give you a 8 (based on you age).
I think you have a very promising first draft (and I am very
impressed that you're 13). I would suggest reading it aloud to yourself,
though, & seeing what adjectives you can cut. There are a lot of
describing words that could probably come across from action or dialog.
For example: ''Police & investigators milled around, bringing an important
yet sad atmosphere to the room.'' Instead you might consider showing how they bring that atmosphere. What are they doing? What are they saying? Show us rather than tell. Best of luck!
5 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Anyone use a manual coffee mill Does coffee porter beer contain caffeine? How can coffee be "naturally decaffeinated"???? How many calories should I burn a day to lose weight? What would you want on a perfect pizza? How to make fine aluminum powder? Do you have a caffeine addiction? Do you use coffee to keep you going through the day?? A Hotel In Cornwall: Can you work out what the Guesthouse owner is saying? lol? try to work THIS one out! Do you know of any noise generators? good food for a diet Ladies - Would you be willing........ Fantasy Football Trade Help Caffeine Addiction Who is onlineUsers browsing this forum: 4 guests |